Where Loyalties Lie
by Inusagi
Summary: After his suspension, Ianto thinks about where his loyalties lie. Day 11 of the TW-July one shot challenge. Oneshot. Complete


Disclaimer: If I owned Torchwood, I can assure you that I'd have central air conditioning, but instead I feel like I live on the surface of the sun.

A/N: I have been exceptionally lazy about uploading these. I'll have them all uploaded soon, I promise, but tonight I'll only be uploading six. By the end of the month, I aim to have another or two chapter of Another Secret (lemons!), the rest of July's Challenge oneshots and an additional oneshot that was requested last month. In other news, I've been doing a bit of beta-ing for **tsul006**'s "Ianto Jones: Child of the Rift" which is exceptionally imaginative and interesting. Please mosey on over that direction!

*.*.*

"It gives me strength to have somebody to fight for; I can never fight for myself, but, for others, I can kill."  
― Emilie Autumn, _The Asylum for Wayward Victorian Girls_

*.*.*

I stepped into the Hub for the first time in just over four weeks. Not since…not since helping with the clean up after…after Lisa…after the Cyberman was killed.

I didn't know how I would feel to come back. I'd imagined all sorts of scenarios, from bitterness at sliding back into the pathetic butler/teaboy role I'd wheedled my way in with to white-hot anger at being forced to continue working with people who'd murdered the woman I loved more than my own life.

I didn't expect to feel like I'd come home. Or to feel _alive_ for the first time in months.

Myfanwy practically knocked me to the ground almost instantly, using her long beak to affectionately preen my hair. I forced myself to push aside the image of her _swoopingattackingeating_ as the invisible lift pulled me helplessly away. It wasn't _her_ fault.

I gave her small cuddle and pulled a bar of chocolate from my coat. Chomping down on the treat distracted her enough for me to deftly side-step her and climb the stairs to Jack's office.

I paused, thankful that his chair was swiveled away from the glass door. I didn't have the slightest idea what I was going to say.

He was bound to ask if I'd learned my lesson, if I'd do it all differently if I could start all over. But I wouldn't. I _was_ sorry. I knew that I'd brought a monster into the Hub, that I was single-handedly responsible for the deaths of two civilians, that Lisa was no longer…there, but I couldn't claim that if I could try again, I wouldn't try to save her.

He'd ask if I was done with the lies, the betrayals. It was the only thing he'd really even asked me during my suspension, when he'd come around to make sure I hadn't topped myself and that I was "taking care of myself."

He'd asked me, just standing in my kitchen like he belonged there_. Are you prepared to be a real member of this team? _

It sounded too much like _Your loyalty is to us now __and I'd thrown him out by the collar. _

_Now, the answer still wouldn't be one he wanted to hear. No, my loyalty wasn't to the __team__. It wasn't to Owen, that smarmy bastard. Or to Gwen, who was still a perfect stranger to me. I liked Toshiko, honestly, but I could never make up my mind when I'd mused about whether I'd step in front of a bullet for her. I couldn't help but think of them standing in a line with their horrible smoking guns, like some rag-tag firing squad. _

_But Jack…_

_Jack__. I'd step in front of a cannon for Jack. A Hoix, even. _

For the life of me, I could not figure out why Jack was different. I should hate him more, if anything. He'd held a gun to my head. He'd squirted the barbeque sauce that called Myfanwy. He'd ordered me to execute her. He was a heartless, unfeeling bastard and I should hate him.

Except I didn't. I refused to allow myself to think that I loved him, but I couldn't make myself believe that I hated him. Not with the amount of time I spent thinking about him, wondering if he was going to drop by, wondering if he hated me now. I thought of him constantly, it seemed.

It scared me more and more every day but I could not deny that Jack Harkness had every ounce of loyalty I possessed.

I wondered how awkward it was going to be now, working here without Jack's easy flirting, without his casual touches. Without his _intimate_ touches.

I'd told myself, in the beginning, that it was a way to distract him. If I kept him thinking about me, about what we _could_ do, he wouldn't think to wander the lower levels. But it escalated quickly. More quickly than I could have anticipated. I distracted him with my hands. I distracted him with my mouth.

I told myself that it was about Lisa, that I'd do _anything_ to keep her safe and I ignored how _clear_ everything seemed then, when I was on my knees and my mouth was full.

While I was stuck in my flat over these past few weeks, I'd half-convinced myself that I just needed _someone_. It made some kind of sense to have to have someone to focus on, some reason for doing what we do and that it was only Jack due to sheer dumb luck.

The other half of me was convinced Jack was some sort of wizard, weaving enchantments and brewing potions to draw me closer and closer into his web of seduction and aching _want_.

It was going to be a kick in the stomach to be here without Jack being…Jack.

As ashamed as I was of it, I was going to miss the easy pseudo-relationship I'd had going on with Jack as much as I missed the comfortable, affectionate relationship I'd had with Lisa. The real Lisa, before she had been driven mad by the cold, twisted metal.

If anyone asked me if I'd saw that coming, I would swear on a stack of bibles that I had. I'd make petty excuses about his charming personality or those damn pheromones.

But I hadn't.

And now I had no idea what I was going to say to him. I'd lied. I'd manipulated. I'd almost killed them all.

He should have killed me.

Taking a deep breath, I forced myself to walk into the door.

Jack swirled around in his chair and pinned me with a smile. "Ianto! Welcome back!"

Lost for words, I just nodded. Like a twat.

"I need you to go down to the archives and find me the file on bees. It should have been in about '64 or '65. We just got a report from Penarth that some honey is causing people to hallucinate."

I nodded again and turned on my heel. I'd reached the stairs when his voice made me stop in my tracks.

"By the way, I love the shirt. Red is definitely your colour."

*.*.*

A/N 2.0: Day 11 was "Loyalty." I'd actually intended for most of Ianto's admissions to have been dialogue, but I like it better this way. Thanks for reading!


End file.
